Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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