I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
