i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
