She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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