i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
where are my eyebrows?
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