I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
my shit smells like andre
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This toilet bowl is my home.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
