break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
