I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
