I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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