I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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