saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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