i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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