Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
