You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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