I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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