omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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