Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
