That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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