I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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