Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
