I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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