Apparently you make a good broom.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
