I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
