Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
