As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
