can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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