if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
