it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
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Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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