i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We talked him into tasing himself.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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