a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
