Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
