Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
