ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
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