She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
