I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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