I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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