Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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