feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
