I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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