Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
