Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
