This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
