I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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