You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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