i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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