i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
