I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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