I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
