the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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