The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize