FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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