everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He uses pillows to masturbate.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
