Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
