i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
