So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
