I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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