YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
